By wink of water

I’ve been reading a lot of random stuff online lately, even more so than my usual diet of NY Times, Washington Post, The New Yorker, and Slate (all on LeechBlock, btw). A bunch of my friends write blogs, plus there are those random links people send out or have in their gchat status. Reading these sometimes, I’m jealous – not of the career of the escort in New York who blogs about her clients, but more of the writers themselves, that they support themselves through writing, or that they have the time to maintain a blog. That they get to write regularly, about interesting things; that they get to write fiction. My friend Lina writes a beautiful blog, and I often wish I could do the same thing.

On the other hand, I’m reminded of Lawrence’s response to Peter’s dream of doing nothing in Office Space: “You don’t need a million bucks to do nothing. Take a look at my cousin, he’s broke, don’t do shit.” If I want to write, I can just write. It’s true that it takes time and energy, but it doesn’t take money or even any more education than I already have. I could take a class just to have the motivation to complete assignments, I suppose. Or look for writer’s workshops to join.

But this very career I’ve chosen, as far away it is from my love of reading and writing, is quite satisfying, and there’s no guarantee I would actually like being a journalist, or a freelance writer, or even a novelist. For one thing, it’s rare to make any money, and after years of grad school and postdocs, I’m a little tired of being poor. Moreover, money is a kind of proxy for recognition; I can’t imagine the frustration of putting tons of time and effort into a piece of work only to have it rejected over and over again. And perhaps most importantly, I know that my happiness is very driven by how productive I feel. I would have to be entirely self-motivated to write, without even the outside pressure of conference deadlines or DARPA site visits. Even Lina struggled with writer’s block. This was essentially why I decided to be a math major instead of an English major in college.

It’s sort of absurd that it took me 6.5 years of a PhD and 2+ more of a postdoc to decide that I actually like computer science research, that it’s engaging and fun, that I more often want to go to work than not, that it gives me a lot of freedom to keep learning about lots of different things and allows me to exchange interesting ideas with the smartest people in the world, not to mention that I get to read and write all the time and that my love of it makes me good at my job as a researcher. I’m even productive, most of the time.

Also, I get sent to places like this for important work meetings:

I have a lot to say and no time to say it, and even a minimal task like uploading and describing my best of 2010 list escapes me. But here we are, already one week into 2011 (it looks weird when you write it, doesn’t it), so I must get started. Though I certainly can’t hope to reproduce last year’s more poetic effort, here’s my mix. I am pleasantly surprised at how much I like it; I thought 2010 not nearly as good a year for music as 2009, let alone 2007. But there was definitely enough good stuff out there to make for some hard choices.

1. All of the Lights by Kanye West. I admit to feeling shocked and cynical about Pitchfork’s perfect 10 for Kanye West’s album. It’s very good, no doubt – but impeccable? Kanye has a tendency to be overwrought, all pomp and circumstance, and frankly, some of his songs are so long as to be boring. That said, All of the Lights is certainly not timid, and packed with personalities, and it still succeeds. Something about that gorgeous horn line repeated over and over throughout the song holds on and won’t let go.
2. my way by jj. The quote in the beginning is Charles Manson, I’ve discovered, and the rap is a sample of Lil Wayne’s Don’t Trip. He’s not usually my cup of tea, but here, his weird vocals contrast nicely with her sweet voice, lending the song character that it wouldn’t otherwise have. There’s a gorgeous moment after the rap that never fails to fill me nostalgia, when she sings in a voice clear and true, unadulterated by the electronic scrambling that came before: “I’m yours, you’re mine”
3. Tell Em by Sleigh Bells. Sleigh Bells is not everyone’s cup of tea, trafficking as they do in distortion, noise, and generally muddy, loud sounds. But her voice is quite distinctive and pretty, and their songs just fill me up with energy. This song makes me think of a deranged pep rally.
4. I Feel Better by Hot Chip. For weeks, I thought the middle of this song was sung by a woman (showing how much attention I pay to niceties like band members). My favorite Hot Chip songs are all like this, pulsing forward with sensations of loss and longing, a general happy/sad feeling that’s quite unique.
5. Madder Red by Yeasayer. There’s just something so dramatic about the drums and “oohs” that begin this song, and the quiet, spare end of the verses before the recommencement of the drums: it could be very cliched, but instead it’s well-crafted and works. The intelligent lyrics help, too: “It’s getting hard to keep pretending I’m worth your time”
6. Not in Love by Crystal Castles featuring Robert Smith. This is like a really good Cure song, but better, because it’s not cheesy. Crystal Castles is often a little much for me, too into the electronica for its own sake and not enough about constructing a good melody. But this song is the best of both worlds – a very real pop sensibility with completely new and interesting beats.
7. Tornado by Jonsi. I could have picked 2 other songs by Jonsi to go on this list, making that my favorite album this year. Best listened to on earphones on a train as you watch sheep and old farm buildings rush by.
8. I Think Ur A Contra by Vampire Weekend. It must be admitted that I absolutely detest the spelling of this song. But everything else about it is great – soft, sweet, romantic pop without sliding into triteness.
9. Afraid of Everyone by The National. I struggled a lot to choose my favorite off The National’s new album, but not for the same reason as for Jonsi’s. I am disappointed. I loved Boxer, loved nearly every song on it, and The National is probably my favorite living artist. But their songs on High Violet just mostly sound the same to me, and are not very interesting. I’ve fallen asleep more than once trying to listen to it. None really spoke to me the way “Slow Show” or half a dozen other songs on Boxer did. The album is still really, really good, just not up to my very high standards for the band. And Afraid of Everyone is as good an example as any other. (But the drums are amazing in this song.)
10. Call Your Girlfriend by Robyn. It’s just raw pop and so cheesy but I love it. Robyn’s trademark is danceable songs about longing and need and this one is quite sad, if you listen to lyrics: “Don’t you tell her how I give you something that you never even knew you missed / Don’t you even try and explain how it’s so different when we kiss”.
11. All I Want by LCD Soundsystem. Whenever I hear the opening bars of this song, it makes me want to cry and dance at the same time. I’ve never been a huge LCD Soundsystem fan, but this song just eats me up.
12. From the Mouth of Gabriel by Sufjan Stevens. What a beautiful song, what a beautiful album. He gets quite weird at times, and the strong religious overtones don’t always work for me, but this song is lovely. The second half just soars. “And what a mess I’ve made of you. You probably would, but I won’t let you run away. You probably should, but I won’t let you run away this time.”
13. Tightrope by Janelle Monae featuring Big Boi. I think she is so great, all bee-bop and swing, incredible voice and control (that minor stuff can’t be easy), making music with a pop sensibility but no over manufactured feel. I like Big Boi but not enough to put one of his songs on this mix, so this will have to do.
14. Fuck You by Cee-Lo Green. Best pop song of the year? The video was just amazing, as was the Gwyneth Paltrow cover on Glee. He’s so cheerful and I love his soul voice – in some of his other songs, it’s too R&B for me, but here it works beautifully.
15. On and On by Girl Talk. Girl Talk is always my go-to when I need to clean the apartment or pack. He’s really the master of the craft – the “Best of Bootie” mixes too often just combine the vocal track off one song with the backing track off the other (see Lady Gaga vs Nirvana). I like how he manages to combine short samples from numerous different songs in a seamless way that actually works. Thus far I prefer “Feed the Animals” but that’s probably just because I remember dancing to the whole damn album at the end of 2008’s Beaujolais party.

My blog was originally named for the last passage in A Movable Feast (Hemingway) about Paris in the early days. I’m no longer in Paris, but in Boston, and I found a nice passage from Thomas Wolfe’s Of Time and a River:

The train rushed on across the brown autumnal land, by wink of water and the rocky coasts, the small white towns and flaming colors and the lonely, tragic and elemental beauty of New England. It was the country of his heart’s desire, the dark Helen in his blood forever burning — and now the fast approach across October land, the engine smoke that streaked back on the sharp gray air that day!

The coming on of the great earth, the new lands, the enchanted city, the approach, so smoky, blind and stifled, to the ancient web, the old grimed thrilling barricades of Boston. The streets and buildings that slid past that day with such a haunting strange familiarity, the mighty engine steaming to its halt, and the great train-shed dense with smoke and acrid with its smell and full of the slow pantings of a dozen engines, now passive as great cats, the mighty station with the ceaseless throngings of its illimitable life, and all of the numerous, remote and mighty sounds of time forever held there in the station, together with a tart and nasal voice, a hand’s breadth off that said: “There’s hardly time, but try it if you want.”

He saw the narrow, twisted age-browned streets of Boston, then, with their sultry fragrance of fresh-roasted coffee, the sight of the man-swarm passing in its million-footed weft, the distant drone and murmur of the great mysterious city all about him, the shining water of the Basin, and the murmur of the harbor and its ships, the promise of glory and of a thousand secret, lovely and mysterious women that were waiting somewhere in the city’s web.

To me it’s about longing and familiarity and restlessness and finding what you want. I read a few pages more and I suppose I have to read the whole thing now.

Animesh asked me sometime ago if I would continue to blog, and I thought no, but now I think maybe yes. Good practice to write a lot, and besides, my friends are scattered. I might be back in the US, but I have friends and family in Seattle, California, Colorado, New York, DC, and Paris. I’ll put the last two mixes up here soon, just to have the record.

But I need a new title. Any ideas?

Au revoir, Paris…ou plutôt à plus tard. Je déménage dans deux semaines, mais je vais passer une semaine à Crète avant pour ECCV. Frédo part même plus tôt, le 31 aôut, et je vais squatter chez Silvia pendant cinq ou six jours.

Je suis triste et heureuse. J´attends avec impatience mon nouveau travail, notre nouveau appartement, beaucoup de dîners sympas avec des potes anciens et nouveaux. Mais Paris va me manquer. C´est la plus belle ville dans le monde. J´adore la culture, les bons restos, les jolis jardins, les anciens bâtiments, les marchés plein de choses frais à manger…et surtout, mes amis ici. Les gens du labo vont éparpiller, et il serait dur de les voir tous ensemble (une conférence, peut-être). J´espère que je peux se rencontrer mon équipe plus facilement. Je vais revenir souvent à la France, et j´imagine que je passerais des jours à Paris. En tout case, je vous promets que je vais rester en contact.